My Presidential Application.

Full Name (minimum of 3 names required for the job) 

Katherine Patricia Angel

 

Age 

24

 

Gender 

Female

 

Party affiliation 

I align with no party.

 

Have you ever been arrested?  What for? 

Nope

 

Served jail time? 

Would have had to be arrested.

 

Have you ever used drugs? What drugs? 

Define “used”

 

Been convicted of drug possession? 

No.

 

Have you ever smuggled something illegal into the country? 

Just coke up my butt. That’s it.

 

Do you have a scandalous past?  Please explain 

Not at all. I am the definition of “Prude.”

 

Personality/Beliefs/Values

What are your views on world domination? 

It’d be neat.

 

Do you have any religious ideologies? 

Nope. Agnostic…how would that sit for a president?

 

How do you feel about trampling the rights of states within the US? 

States should have more power. We must avoid a “too-strong” federal government.

 

What about trampling the rights of other countries? 

I actually like isolationism. In theory. To each their own – unless genocide is happening or some other great big treachery – I say we let them be. Until we are a stable super power again (which I fully believe we are not – we cant even stand alone economically) I think we should be focusing on improving the quality of life for our citizens, rather than for citizens of countries abroad.

 

Do you think any drugs should be legalized? 

Marijuana. The whole thing is ridiculous, it just seems silly that it is still illegal after all this time because tobacco didn’t want the competition. That being said, when it becomes legal country-wide, (my guess – 30 years max) I do believe we need a “breathalyzer” of some sort for it, to avoid driving while under the influence.

 

Do you believe that you are always right? 

99.5% of the time.  J

 

Do you value the opinions of others? 

Yes. To an extent.

 

Are you able to admit when you are wrong? 

Never. Sorry, I just can’t.

 

Do you believe that it is ok to go on vacation during a crisis? 

Depends on the crisis. Depends on the vacation.

 

Do you believe in the philosophy of screw the little guy? 

Definitely not. It’s the little people that make the world go round in my opinion.

 

Do you believe it is the government’s responsibility to take care of people? 

To an extent, yes to universal health care. Welfare – not so much.

 

What are your views on the current state of the welfare system?

It’s too easy to cheat it. I don’t like it. I don’t support it. I think that, while there are people who need it and use it responsibly, there are too many people who exploit the good nature of that program.

 

How do you feel about the current state of Social Security? 

Falling apart right? I think the idea is beautiful, but I would never bet my older years on it. I’ll be saving for myself.

 

Do you believe that when you are old enough to collect you will be able to? 

Nope.

 

What would you do to ease/solve the oil crisis? 

Throw some maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaajor parties in the Middle East. Free Virgins for everyone! In reality, while still using our normal oil suppliers, I would start more intense research on alternative fuel sources like ethanol and such. I would also look into finding oil elsewhere (drilling offshore). This whole oil thing is going to come to a head. Preemptive measures are needed.  

 

Would you protect the environment?

To the best of my ability. I’m not as “green” as I could be. I’m working on it. I just started recycling.

 

Would you go to war with countries unprovoked? 

Duh.

 

Do you believe in eminent domain? 

Yes and No. I don’t know. That is a hard decision. I don’t like the idea of the government being able to sieze anything of mine. There is so much that it covers though, in the case of roads having to be built and unfortunately houses/land having to be bought, I don’t particularly mind it. We need that. It’s that pesky term “public use” it can get you into all sorts of messes. If it is to be used, compensation MUST be fair.

 

Who would you appoint to the Supreme Court? 

Your mother.

 

How would you handle devastating natural disasters like Hurricane Katrina? 

Hopefully better than how Katrina was handled. There were people who didn’t even have tv’s. They lived in shacks and couldn’t know until there was little if any time that a disaster was about to happen. This shouldn’t have happened. Not at this day and age. I think I would just try to work out as much of the fall out before hand as possible so that when the disaster does happen, we are focused on helping the general public, rather than making worthless decisions that should have been made weeks ago.

 

Would you make your own decisions or what your parents wanted you to do? 

Haha, depends.

 

Would you travel in the black limos or incognito? 

“Would you stifle? We’re bein’ incognitus.”

 

Now, on to your experience and qualifications

Have you ever declared war? Why? 

Only on specific people, never on a country.

 

Have you ever used nuclear force? Why? 

Only in the bathroom……..BA-DUM-CHA.

 

Would you ever do either? Why? 

Nuclear – no. If war has to happen it has to happen.

 

Have you had an affair with your intern? 

Only like 15 times. He’s a hot bitch.

 

Do you have friends in low places to hide your secrets? 

Not really. I need more secret keeping friends.

 

Do you have friends in high places to give you lots of money? 

Psh, hell no. Pisses me off.

 

Have you ever had to lead a discussion? 

Yeah, I’m a leader.

 

Are you able to have a conversation without sounding like an idiot? 

God, I hope so.

 

Do you stutter? 

N-n-nuh-n-no

 

Do you use insensitive words in public like crusade and savage? 

I don’t think crusade is an insensitive word. Apparently I don’t get the reference.

 

Do you have an IQ score about 25? 

Times a billion. BOOOOYAHHHH.

 

Can you say the alphabet backwards? 

In one breath.

 

Have you ever been caught in a compromising situation? 

Yes.

 

Can you count with your shoes on and your hands in your pockets? 

Of course! I’ve counted to infinity…twice.

 

Have you ever had someone taken care of? 

In the get-better sense, not in the bottom-of-the-sea-sleeps-with-the-fishes sense.

 

Did you only marry your spouse because one of you was knocked up? 

That’s the most idiotic reason to get married in the world.

 

Do you have grey hair yet? 

(SOB) I’ve found 2 in the last 6 months. It’s starting.

 

Do you tend to shift blame onto people who cant defend themselves? 

Meh, nah. I don’t think so. I am pushy though.

 

Are you in oil and all thats associated with that? 

Am I in oil?

 

Do you wear cowboy boots to work? 

Cowboy boots are the gayest thing ever. So are cowboy hates. I HATE them.

 

Can you sign your name quickly? 

Mhm. I used to practice when I was little, for when I got famous. WAMP WAMP.

 

Can you spell your name correctly? 

Only if Kathy has a q.

 

Are you able to sit in front of a phone and not push all the buttons? 

I do everyday.

 

Do you know how to read? 

Yes, and I do it for enjoyment! Oh the scandal!

 

Are you capable of having any independent thoughts? 

I do all the time!

 

Do you know what those are? 

I’m thinking they are thoughts of other peoples that I steal or imitate to get them to like me. Right?

 

Do you believe in the freedom of speech? 

100% as horrible as it can be.

 

Do you just want to take a huge crap on individuals civil rights? 

Only certain peoples. (cough) Westboro Baptist Church (cough) I’d shut them up faster than they could say “we’re going to protest another funeral”

 

Do you believe that states are competent enough to make good decisions? 

Yes. They should make lots more decisions.

 

Would you put your own picture on a new form of money? 

I’d create the “dolla dolla bill” that’s what you’d have to call it. It would be money, but more like a gift certificate with my face on it, good ANYWHERE!

 

Would you attack Canada for the fun of it? 

Their helicopter, 4 mounties and old battleship would succumb to my plans for continental domination. Canada, what good are they except for being America’s hat??

 

Would you deport all the illegals? 

Touchy. I think they should be given a choice. When you are found out being an illegal immigrant, you should go to a holding jail/area, get put in the system (fingerprints, etc)  – you then have 30 days to apply for citizenship or leave the country. End of story. Just throwing them all out is impossible and we would collapse into ourselves without the jobs being filled. Immigration is what we stand for! I don’t know how many of you have watched a naturalization class – they say the pledge, proud to be an American plays, its unbelievable the want of people to be citizens of this country. We just need to make sure people don’t take advantage of our hospitality and avoid being properly documented. None of this giving drivers licenses to illegals. NO! Citizenship MUST be mandatory.

 

Would you institute mandatory sterilization for stupid people? 

In my fantasy world I am Queen of a country and people have to take an IQ test before they are allowed to have children. If they get pregnant and they fail, give that shit away.

 

I know, I’m heartless. There are just far too many stupid people with kids.

 

Do you make babies cry? 

Only when I’m lucky.

 

Do you make old ladies cry?

With tears of JOY!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

VOTE FOR ME!!!

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~ by Mathy Shoots People on August 13, 2008.

One Response to “My Presidential Application.”

  1. You’re hilarious. However great the distance our views appear to be, I’d still vote for you based on your humor and honesty.

    Oh, and I’d love to be the first “First Man” in history.

    love u

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