Douchebag School. (Tool Academy)

So here’s the deal if you haven’t already guessed – I like shitty reality television. I go nutso for it. I loved the skanks on Rock of Love (trying to stomach this season on the bus is hard) and I even had a spot in my heart for New York (Tiffany Pollard) but seriously on to the newest most lamest most amazingest most spectacular waste of a single hour of my life week to week:


These are the mega douches that make up the cast. They were brought to the show thinking it was “Mr. Awesome” (the fact that they came for that only makes them bigger losers) and after they gave their incriminating interviews and sexily strutted the runway for a group of screaming women – their girlfriends were brought out. Turns out its tool academy and you bitches is the hoooooooooooes! (get it? its a tool!!)

The nine bad boys will receive lessons in honesty, fidelity, maturity, and communication. Trina Dolenz will serve as their resident relationship counselor. Every week one of the bad boys will be dismissed as a hopeless tool. After the bad boy’s dismissal, he has to plead an appeal to his girlfriend to see if she wants to keep him or dump him. The last surviving bad boy receives a $100,000 cash prize along with the title of “Mr. Awesome.”

The trouble I see with this show is that most of these guys are assholes. They aren’t tools, they aren’t guys who are just mislead and lame – they’re hateful, manipulative jerks who don’t give a fuck about anyone’s feelings but their own. It makes it hard to laugh and it makes it hard to watch but dear god, I’m going to do it. I will say that if this is supposed to be “Tool Academy” – where are the fucking popped collars?!?

Want an extended recap of the episode and couples?? JUUUUUUUUUUUUMP.

Just a basic overview – guys brought in, walk the catwalk to prove they’re hot, brought inside to party, see girlfriends, know its tool academy, go to watch their pre-show interviews, girlfriends cry, guys act insensitive, have a challenge where they have to construct a bed (guys give directions to the girls who build it alone), then they play football?????, then elimination. Got it?

Lets discuss the couples shall we?

The Party Tool and Girlfriend

First off, his name is Clarance. So I wont refer to him as some idiotic nickname he came up with while drinking that seems to “appeal” to the “ladies”. Second off, he is one of the several couples on the show where I am completely baffled as to how she could have even had the opportunity to fall in love with such a huge piece of shit. Does anyone else laugh at about 99% of what comes out of this guys mouth? He’s ridiculous, NOT ATTRACTIVE and honestly only makes her worse because she loves him. Other than that, she seems decent, and I think she’s super hot. Mhm.
My Annoying Rating: 10 out of 10.


The Slacker Tool and Girlfriend
So they started off as my favorite, namely because he’s the hottest guy on the show and the only one who seemed to not be absolutely retarded. I lie, he just reminds me of every boyfriend I’ve ever had. She has 2 kids and he lives off her child support “yadda yadda” the whole enabling bit. No man takes advantage of a girl who doesn’t give him the opportunity. Well, on the build a mattress challenge he doesn’t even try, then decides to play tough for the cameras and ends up freaking out and throwing a recliner. There is no hope for this shitface. Wanna see a douche in action?
Or how about when he hit the girl in the face with a basketball when he was strutting his sexy?

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA. That was the best part of the show (seriously) and we rewound that like 15 times. Poor girl, that’s what she gets for even pretending to encourage them. Somehow this is still my favorite guy and I just want to muzzle him and do my thang.

My Annoying Rating: 2 out of 10.(until after the chair, then it jumped to a 7)


The Tiny Tool and Girlfriend
This is one couple I feel genuinely bad for. She’s nice enough and he really just strikes me as a guy who hangs out with douches. You know that one lame, ugly guy that they let be their friend because its always better to have one guy that looks worse than you so he can take one for the team?? Yeah, that’s this little midget. Someone should sit him in front of a mirror, let him know he’s not that great and that maybe he might want to appreciate a girl who is actually attracted to him because I can promise him that she’s going to be the best he can get. He’s fairly harmless though, she says his priorities are: bowling. clubbing, then his girlfriend. How can I hate a fellow bowler?! He automatically dropped annoying points there! They also worked decently together in the bed challenge – he wasn’t hateful which shows he has promise. Then at elimination I was reminded why he REALLY needs to be on this show:
(cough) double sunglasses (cough) die (cough)

My Annoying Rating: 4 out of 10.


The Loud Mouth Tool and Girlfriend
So this was my second favorite guy because if you cut his 14 year-old emo hair, he’d actually be pretty attractive. He reminds me a lot of my ex Scott in that he generally just has no thought in his head about how his selfish actions affect those around him. He’s like a giant child and he does what he pleases. He seems like he just needs a good roundhouse kick to the face and he’d be all good. She is alright, I feel neither hate nor love for her. She just is. He blows up next episode though “F YOU TOOL ACADEMY!!!!” as the other douches are holding him back….from a building…for some reason.
My Annoying Rating: 3 out of 10.


The Cold-Hearted Tool and Girlfriend

So he was probably the one that hurt my heart the most on the show. She honestly seems like a puppy dog who is willing do anything and everything to make him happy and I feel for her and hate him for it. In his pre-show interview he went on and on about how he has her trained pretty well to do the dishes and the laundry. Of course she cries and claims she isn’t a trained monkey…then it happens – he tears up. They’re going to win, I have no doubt because this guy genuinely showed that he was embarrassed about what a jerk he was and it looked like it really hurt him to see her cry like that. I think he’s a insecure tool, he portrays an image to make himself feel better when in all actuality, it isn’t who he is at all. I cant wait to see!!
My Annoying Rating: 3 out of 10.


The Playa Pimpin’ Tool and Girlfriend
Any guy who has a nickname is automatically at the top of my annoying scale. The whole alter ego shit doesn’t bode well with me. His highlight was greasing himself up for the runway with SALAD DRESSING. During therapy in his pre-show interview he launched into a story about how he has 2 girls for every night of the week and then haves the audacity to call his girlfriend his “bottom bitch” and says “she knows whats up” – Personally, I’d be out. I’d be that girl who walked out on the show on the first episode because I already knew what I had to know. No hope for redemption – Hopefully they’re out soon.
My Annoying Rating: 8 out of 10.


The Power Tool and Girlfriend
Yikes. So this was the only couple where I actually hated the girl more than the guy. It’s a long distance relationship, they see each other once a week or so. She’s a fucking idiot. You don’t bring a guy on a show who just asked you to move in with him and YOU TURNED HIM DOWN. Obviously he was willing to make a commitment, obviously you embarrassed him so I can see why he would then slingshot into being a douche and fucking around on you. He outright says he doesn’t feel she’s 100% committed so he doesn’t feel he needs to be either. Hahah, and he says he doesn’t want to marry her and then get a divorce because she’ll take half of his money – shes a waitress. She’s whiny and I want to slap her in the face. He’s lucky because I’d probably want to choke him out if he wasn’t already being figuratively choked by the ball and chain around his neck. I wanted them to leave this show – lets cross our fingers for the next one.
My Annoying Rating: 9 out of 10. (oh and its alllllllllllllllllll her. Sorry Rob!)


The Greek Tool and Girlfriend

They got kicked off….ooops, spoiler alert. They were boring and I’m glad. He said he doesn’t want a commitment, just the crotch and then proceeded to just LOOK annoying. They’ve been together for 3 years…at what point does him never telling her he loves her and continuing to NOT WANT A COMMITMENT finally snap in her stupid head that he’s never going to change? When the guy got kicked off the show for being rude and condescending to his girlfriend during the challenge (which was lame because Tommy should have went for not even trying) she got to choose if she wanted to stay with him or not. He first acts pissed she’s even considering leaving him, then she asks if she’s wasting her time – he tells her “I wouldn’t worry about it.” Yep, then she hugs him and gets into the car with him, obviously reassured by his sensitive and thoughtful answer. As they are about to drive away she tells him that she loves him and then there is a silence. She sighs and he says “I love you. There you go” and they drive off into the douche sunset where they’ll be plagued by problems until she develops a drinking problem and he gets the herp from a female tranny prostitute.
My Annoying Rating: 6 out of 10.


The Naked Tool and Girlfriend
So he’s obviously gay and she’s obviously in denial. That’s that! Oh and they’ve never slept together and he admitted to sleeping with a “girl” named “Katrina” 3 days prior to the show. Mhm. I’ll bet. She took it and continued to ask “whats wrong with me??” and I gave her an answer – “YOU DON’T HAVE A FUCKING PENIS.” Not surprisingly, they won the couples challenge (because its always fun to work with your gay best friend!) and got to have a “romantic” dinner on some bed out in a yard. He talked about changing who he was to make it work with her and then continued on about how sexy the other guys abs were…no I joke, but he was thinking it.
My Annoying Rating: 1 out of 10. (because they arent really even a couple.)


All in all I liked it, but I walked away feeling empty. This explanation by K.C. Morgan sums it up completely for me:

While the show does portray the men’s sexism, dishonesty, and infidelity as negative traits, the obvious disrespect they show their partners is the series’ main source of entertainment. Also meant to be part of the “fun” is watching the girlfriends’ shocked, often tearful reactions when they watch recorded interviews and hidden camera footage of their partner’s unscrupulous behavior. Meanwhile, counseling sessions seem to focus more on what’s wrong than on actual solutions to the couples’ relationship problems.

What makes the show even more problematic is its failure to address the women’s willingness to put up with their partners’ chauvinistic boasting, promiscuity, and other unsavory acts. Not to mention the fact that these women — some of whom appear to have some serious self-esteem issues — are desperately trying to change these men rather than empowering themselves to walk away and find someone who will treat them better. Bottom line? This series contains some very troubling — and potentially dangerous — messages about what makes for a healthy relationship.


~ by Mathy Shoots People on January 13, 2009.

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