So we all know “Hollywood” is out of ideas when…

They are remaking 4 untouchable movies. I heard about them in this order. Ohh and you better believe I’m fucking PISSED. The fact that I pay 10 dollars to see a movie – when 95% of the movies offered to me are remakes of old shit – is REALLY starting to grind my gears. If I’m going to pay for something it should sure as hell be an original idea and something exciting. Not “oh when I was little I watched this movie, now I’m going to rape it, jumble the story line so that it appears edgier, add some explosions and digital effects, and then I’m going to resell it as a brand new movie but keep the title of the old one!!” Yeah, you’re talented…talented at being unoriginal.

First: The Karate Kid
So Will Smith wants to put his son in another role that he doesn’t belong in. The fucking Karate Kid?! Seriously?? We’re going to touch that one? Honestly? Why not just make a karate movie of some sort – why does it have to be a remake of the Karate Kid? I’m sorry but I don’t care if its updated and I don’t care if you put the meaning of life somewhere in there – Jackie Chan will NEVER be Pat Morita and he will NEVER be Mr. Miyagi. Personally, I don’t care WHAT kind of issues little Jaden Smith’s character has (no doubt it will be to run away from gangs and drugs!) he will never compare to Ralph Macchio (Daniel LaRusso). They want to set it in Bejing so it can be a bigger blockbuster – the point of the movie was that it was an easy 80’s flick, no INYOURFACEACTION, only fights and training. Needless to say it made me sick to my stomach and I wanted to punch some kids in the face who will no doubt support this movie and not see it for the sick, pathetic sham it is…
and I swear to god if they even UTTER “wax on wax off”…..

Second: Clue.
Gore Verbinski will direct (Pirates of the Carribean) so we can only expect lameness. Ok, I take that back, I liked the first Pirate movie. I’m really not TOO pissed about this one. The first Clue movie was amazing (Thanks Tim Curry and Singing Telegram Girl) and was a classic to watch when I was younger. The difference between this and the others is that its based off of a board game. They wont be redoing the same plot of the first. Apparently Clue just got a whole new revamp so the characters are different with different backgrounds and stories – so who knows it could turn out to be a decent thriller/dark comedy…BUT I DON’T LIKE IT!

Third: IT
So this is all kinds of wrong. IT is Tim Curry – Tim Curry is IT. End of story. You know, I grew up watching this movie once a year at my friend Erin’s house at her birthday party. It was a ritual. Never very scary but always managed to make us squeal each year (the part that gets me is the clown in the blowing sheets at the beginning). I eventually was able to make it through the book which is knee deep with worthless descriptors….Stephen King I hate you. That being said, it was the scariest thing I’ve ever read. The concept of a monster that is what YOU fear the most is just nuts. So whatever, I’d be more open to a remake if they were true to the book (even the old version wasnt) and it was a HUGE blockbuster. If they put the money behind this – oh man, it’d be unstoppable with the money it’d make. Instead guess who is making it? SCI FI! Yeah, so we already know its going to have the WORST graphics ever and that it will be utter and complete crap. Hey Peter Filardi – thanks for taking a SHIT on my childhood…fucking hack.

Fourth and by far the WORST Trespass – The Neverending Story.
I literally have no words except for they WILL fuck this up. When they do, I will burn down a theater. Then I’ll just stand outside screaming “CALL MY NAME SEBASTIAN! PLEASE!!” After I escape narrowly from the cops (or as I like to call them “the nothing”) I will find and roundhouse kick the new Falkor. I’ll tromp through the Swamp of Sadness and I will find G’morks body and resurrect that shit. He’ll lay a hurting on all of Fantasia…seriously though, I’ll do it! The fact that this is what we’ve come back to is upsetting to me. I want to be able to have movies that I can show my children cats when they are old enough to understand it and not have them prefer to see the newer LAMER version!! Why is Hollywood doing this to me?! WHY?!

I hate you hollywood. You and your recycling of classics into pure mediocrity. Congrats.


~ by Mathy Shoots People on February 26, 2009.

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